How are all of you out there? I've been resting and am still trying to take in all the events of the last few days. Literally, I went from a season of having nothing to a season of abundance and having plenty in the matter of a day. It feels incredible to suddenly have so much resources yet at the same time it's a huge responsibility. But I am handling things very differently than I did before.
The old me would immediately have started to want to control things and make plans for every single item I have been given. With the mentality that "I HAVE to get everything right and hear God's plan for me without making a mistake." But now my approach is very different. I am just as serious and responsible as before but this time know that God is going to help me find his will. We are going to do it together! And there is plenty of room for errors......now that's quite a bonus! I may not get it right the first time but I will get there and I hope many of you out there will be with me for the long haul.
It is really important that I stay relaxed. Not just for my own well-being but for medical purposes as well. You see, a couple years ago I was in the office of a psychologist working out some issues. At one point, she ran a test on me. She handed me this paper with like 400 questions on it. Quite similar to the final exam high school students take at the end of the year. She didn't tell me at that moment what she was diagnosing me for but later I found out. The test was to find out if I was exhibiting the symptoms of schizophrenia.
It turned out that the results of the exam indicated that there could be some symptoms there but it was inconclusive. What this means is that whatever symptoms I do have aren't enough to take over my life. The symptoms only start coming around when i experience a high level of stress. This is why I need to really relax and not be too hard on myself when it comes to trying to find God's will. When I push myself too hard, that's when the symptoms start to exhibit and I can end up somewhat delusional.
Have you ever watched the movie "A Beautiful Mind"? It is a great movie of the true life story of a science professor who has schizophrenia. I think it is an accurate portrayal of what a majority of the people who have this are like. Most people who are schizophrenics living in society are highly unlikely to injure or endanger someone. Schizophrenics are more likely to endanger or injure themselves while seeing or hearing things that don't exist. The extreme cases are the ones in the mental hospital having to be locked down and on 24 hour watch. That is the stereotype that society has of people with this disorder. I certainly don't need to be locked down LOL But I do need to stay close to people and check in with myself occasionally as well as allow others to check in on me. And trust me when I say that I've had some pretty scary moments when the level of stress from day to day life has caused delusions and I haven't been in my right mind
This is why this time around, I need God to be the pilot and be the copilot on this next adventure. Because I'm a little too much of a wildcard. For example, one day I may feel to donate something to someone and it turns out that it is totally God and I heard right. Another day I may feel to give or donate or do something for someone else and the voice or intuitive feeling that I think I am feeling may come from this disorder. So when I get the feeling to do something, it can be truly of God. Or it might be my own natural mind and feelings that I mistake for being God's voice. Or the third possibility is that I am truly hearing voices telling me to do stuff but it is a result of this disorder.
There are a thousand decisions that need to be made for this next trip and the voices that I hear when I pray come from 3 different origins! Talk about complex! But understand that God created me and he knows my disorders. He will place me with the right people who know about my condition and will keep me accountable. He's not going to allow circumstances that are two dangerous for me to handle knowing I have this condition. And he will send one of his angels to stand and over me by my bedside all the nights that the delusions are in full force and I lie there clutching my tear-soaked pillow crying out "Will the real God please stand up?"