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Monday, January 28, 2013

Feeling Your Way Around Fickle Friends

People change......that is inevitable.  However, every so often our paths cross with someone who seems to be changing more frequency than normal. Almost to the point that you want to whisper the word "fickle".  The idea behind this post was sparked when I was not dealing well with some of the actions of the Argentine Serpentine and I distinctly remember it being mentioned that serpent people can be known to be fickle. The more that I thought about it, the more I realize that it was true 100% . I had a fickle friend turned frenemy in my life that I didn't understand at all and really got hurt trying to love this person and be a good friend.

I also realize that most of us have one or more fickle friends in our lives. Some relationships are downright toxic, negative, and narcissistic.  But in the case of the Argentine Serpentine, I don't believe this to be an unhealthy person. What I would say is that she lacks emotional maturity.....she cannot anticipate the emotional needs of others in a relationship. She has no clue what her actions and behavior how it affects people and she doesn't know how to take care of another persons emotional needs.

Like most serpents, she has a magnificent level of charisma in social functions. The Argentine Serpentine could pick anyone off the street and know the right moves to make to draw them to herself.  But the problem begins after you've found yourself caught in a serpents coils and are wanting more of her, she doesn't know how to attend to your needs as a person. To sum it up, you are dealing with someone who doesn't know how to deal.

She doesn't deal well with her own feelings and cannot communicate them in a conducive manner or create a proper outlet. Nor does she deal well with YOUR feelings and emotional needs. Her idea of handling her feelings often results in there being more questions than answers because she just does whats natural to her and doesn't explain.  In reality, she has no clue the emotional turmoil that her behavior is causing you and wouldn't know how to bring you a sense of relief.

After alot of tears and frustration, I realize this was the truth about my friend. She would never intentionally hurt me but I got hurt because she was causing emotions to happen within me and not seeing to it that I was OK.  I got hurt because I had the expectations one would have of a normal healthy person who has the ability to be in a relationship and meet emotional needs. She is a normal healthy person without a clue how to respond to another persons emotional needs.

To make matters worse, there seemed to be a level of fickleness about her. It was as if she talk to you as if she were serious about something and not go through with it. Or her stance on something would change without notice.  So I never knew exactly what she wanted out of our relationships. This was another thing that has been tough on me because I am a driven goal oriented person. If you tell me to jump, I'll ask "How high?". Once you tell me what you want, I make it a goal to meet those expectations. But with her it felt like her goals could change at her whim.  Things like drawing me to herself and then blocking my fb account with no explanation whatsoever

I'm gonna offer some insights I've gleaned from dealing with a person like this. In this case, I think that someone like this needs a strong role model. Perhaps she has no clue what people are suppose to do when they are in a relationship.  My first mistake was in my openness I allowed her to take the reigns in our friendship. What she actually needs is a good role model, a firm but gentle hand and good boundaries.

When dealing with someone fickle, the best thing you can do is not invest yourself emotionally too much in what the person says or does. Hopefully one day they'll grow and know how to give back to you but when you are trying to handle someone who is currently fickle, you cannot have too many expectations. They simply may not know or understand or have the emotional maturity and capacity to anticipate your needs.

One of my favorite films of all time has been seeing the revival of "The Muppets" back to this generation. The movie was not only witty and well done but also had some great underlying messages anyone can relate to. Without giving it away, some of the themes of the movie is loving who you are and finding your vocation.  Everyone goes through struggles with being fickle at one point. It may not be as extreme as the Argentine Serpentine but we've all been through that phase at one point where we're at a cross road and have to decide if we're a man or a muppet.....

 Fickle Friends :How to Deal with Frenemies (Scientific American Article)

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Amorous Alpacas

Amorous Alpacas